Brother, "Jason, I don't understand the love of God."
"I don't either."
Brother, "That's okay."
Jesus said, "Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends."
I might argue that Jesus did not love us, but rather He only had a respect for us stirred by admiration that caused Him to die on the cross. Respect in its nature is always upward. You might say you respect someone in a higher position, or you might say you respect someone because they had done a more honorable deed than was expected. Respect is always reserved for something better or best that you see in a person or thing. But how does the Greatest Good in all the universe have any respect for mankind? He is called perfect, while we are not. He is forever, the bible says our life is a vapor. He is good, we are evil. He is independent, we are entirely dependant on all things. This list would continue indefinitely, we are completely insignificant in the presence of God. So there would be nothing higher in us, nothing then inside worthy of the respect from God. This answer will not do.
I might also argue that God only has a love that is disconnected from us. When a soldier says that he fights for the people of his country, he does not mean this personally. By that I mean to say he perhaps dies for the people he loves, to protect their freedoms, such as freedom of religion or speech, but not for those he hates. His view of America is limited to his selected or neglected view of Americans. I say this because a man who lays down his life thinks of those worth laying his life down for, ex. friends and family. But such a man does not consider with his final breath that he is dying for the pedophiles, rapist, or serial killers. In such a way we might consider that God died for all of man kind but in a like manner it was impersonal and disconnected. But the bible says that while we were still enemies of God, He died for us. And all throughout scripture it makes mention that God searches the hearts of man. So the Bible is clear, we are perfectly and completely known by God. This answer will not do either.
Since God is all knowing, than that means he knows what I thought last night. He knows the evil in my heart. He knows the things in me that offend Him, the things that are disgusting to Him, the things that I think, feel and do that make me worthy of being called His enemy. I can justify my wrongs, ignore the guilt, even decieve myself, but I can't lie to Almighty God. And it is with this most personal knowledge of who I am that He climbed up a hill and was nailed to a cross. Why? Because God is love. God is the greatest good in all the universe. He is not better, he is the best. Nothing is above Him. And like you would expect from a good Father, He wants nothing but the absolute best for us, and He can give us nothing better than Himself. If he were to give us anything less it would not be perfect love, only compassion. But before He could give himself to us, He had to give himself for us. Had he not died, then I would remain His enemy. But as it stands, the one who hated God with his life is now considered His son. To call this anything but pure love is to do it injustice.
"For one will scarcely die for a righteous person--though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die--but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans V:7-8
Jesus it causes me great depression to acknowledge my own hypocrisy, but i want to acknowledge it still. I confess that what i think about you and what i believe about you are often worlds apart, and my actions show it. Nothing is more brutally honest than my own reflection found in your word, and often where i find myself described is not where I'd like to be. I pray that you close that chasm and make me more like you and much much less than i find myself to be. Amen.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Sunday, December 26, 2010
My Addiction (2/2)
So Jesus was saying to those Jews who had believed Him, "If you continue in My word, then you are truly disciples of Mine; and you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free." They answered Him, "We are Abraham’s descendants and have never yet been enslaved to anyone; how is it that You say, ‘You will become free’?" Jesus answered them, "Truly, truly, I say to you, everyone who commits sin is the slave of sin." John VIII:31-34
Addiction = Slavery to Sin
This has been the longest uphill battle of my life, and I know it will continue to be uphill until the day I die. For we know that the Law is spiritual, but I am of flesh, sold into bondage to sin. For what I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate. (Romans VII:14-15) Part of me wants to sin, and partly enjoys sinning while I'm enslaved to it. But the other part... the more higher part, the Spirit that lives within me, is grieved over the sins I commit. When the Accuser steps in and has his say I am destroyed within, broken, heart achingly depressed. I HATE my sin, then I soon begin to hate myself...
"For everyone who does evil hates the Light (Jesus Christ), and does not come to the Light for fear that his deeds will be exposed." (John III:20) I don't want to talk to Him, I don't want to see Him, read about Him or hear from Him, while at the same time I desire to run as fast as my legs can carry me and leap so hard into the arms of the only one who ever loved me enough to give Himself for me. When darkness and shame surround me, when secrecy and sin overcome me, while hiding from the Light of Glory the Spirit gets the best of me and calls me out of the depth of my depravity and says to my soul, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest." (Matthew XI:28)
It is then that the truth sets me free, when I read the living truth of God spoken into my soul. He says to the unloved, "You are loved." He says to the slave, "You are free." He says to the restless, "You have rest in Me." He says to the broken hearted, "I AM near." He says to the lost, "You are found." To the forsaken He says, "I have not forsaken you." To the empty inside He says, "I know you by name, I formed you in your mothers womb." To all in need of a saviour He says, "I AM the Beginning and the End, I am all that you need, all that you have ever searched for. I AM the greatest good and I want you to have Me."
O Lord my God, ALL praise and glory be Yours! For Your love alone is faithful beyond my finite imagination and Your Love is more constant than the stars in their place. Thank You for having mercy on one so stubborn and foolish as me... Jesus... Jesus I love you!
...but Jason, aren't you just using Jesus as a crutch? No, that would be silly. He is more like a wheelchair to me. Without Him I am lame with two left feet, I can't handle sin on my own any more than I can breath under water. Am I ashamed to admit I need so great a Crutch? No. He is what I turn too when all things fall apart, He is the glue that holds me together in this madness, He is the anchor that saves me in this storm, I not only want Him, I NEED Him...
...and so do you... And you can run from Him, but you can't outrun Him. There is no place on earth that can hide you from the love He has for you. But you can keep trying, and I know you won't turn from your sin until you see that His way is the greatest way, and nothing else could ever compare.
To the brothers and sisters. Our God is a faithful God. Jesus is faithful, He will do more than we could ever imagine and He will not stop changing us until the day we are made perfect with Him in heaven. But this is never done alone, Jesus is not a disembodied head floating around the cosmos, He has a body, He named her the church. Keep in the word, stay connected with the family, Draw near to Him and He will draw near to you. That's a promise, and He who is so faithful will keep His word.
Let me save you the heart ache and, "...let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us," Hebrews XII:1
Addiction = Slavery to Sin
This has been the longest uphill battle of my life, and I know it will continue to be uphill until the day I die. For we know that the Law is spiritual, but I am of flesh, sold into bondage to sin. For what I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate. (Romans VII:14-15) Part of me wants to sin, and partly enjoys sinning while I'm enslaved to it. But the other part... the more higher part, the Spirit that lives within me, is grieved over the sins I commit. When the Accuser steps in and has his say I am destroyed within, broken, heart achingly depressed. I HATE my sin, then I soon begin to hate myself...
"For everyone who does evil hates the Light (Jesus Christ), and does not come to the Light for fear that his deeds will be exposed." (John III:20) I don't want to talk to Him, I don't want to see Him, read about Him or hear from Him, while at the same time I desire to run as fast as my legs can carry me and leap so hard into the arms of the only one who ever loved me enough to give Himself for me. When darkness and shame surround me, when secrecy and sin overcome me, while hiding from the Light of Glory the Spirit gets the best of me and calls me out of the depth of my depravity and says to my soul, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest." (Matthew XI:28)
It is then that the truth sets me free, when I read the living truth of God spoken into my soul. He says to the unloved, "You are loved." He says to the slave, "You are free." He says to the restless, "You have rest in Me." He says to the broken hearted, "I AM near." He says to the lost, "You are found." To the forsaken He says, "I have not forsaken you." To the empty inside He says, "I know you by name, I formed you in your mothers womb." To all in need of a saviour He says, "I AM the Beginning and the End, I am all that you need, all that you have ever searched for. I AM the greatest good and I want you to have Me."
O Lord my God, ALL praise and glory be Yours! For Your love alone is faithful beyond my finite imagination and Your Love is more constant than the stars in their place. Thank You for having mercy on one so stubborn and foolish as me... Jesus... Jesus I love you!
...but Jason, aren't you just using Jesus as a crutch? No, that would be silly. He is more like a wheelchair to me. Without Him I am lame with two left feet, I can't handle sin on my own any more than I can breath under water. Am I ashamed to admit I need so great a Crutch? No. He is what I turn too when all things fall apart, He is the glue that holds me together in this madness, He is the anchor that saves me in this storm, I not only want Him, I NEED Him...
...and so do you... And you can run from Him, but you can't outrun Him. There is no place on earth that can hide you from the love He has for you. But you can keep trying, and I know you won't turn from your sin until you see that His way is the greatest way, and nothing else could ever compare.
To the brothers and sisters. Our God is a faithful God. Jesus is faithful, He will do more than we could ever imagine and He will not stop changing us until the day we are made perfect with Him in heaven. But this is never done alone, Jesus is not a disembodied head floating around the cosmos, He has a body, He named her the church. Keep in the word, stay connected with the family, Draw near to Him and He will draw near to you. That's a promise, and He who is so faithful will keep His word.
Let me save you the heart ache and, "...let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us," Hebrews XII:1
Saturday, December 25, 2010
My Addiction (1/2)
DISCLAIMER: The following information is unsuitable for children. If you are under the age of 18 then please resist the temptation to be disobedient by reading any further and ask your parent if it's okay first. But knowing that you will likely ignore this statement I will be careful when choosing my words.
Taber's Medical Dictionary (21st Edition) defines an addict as such,
"One who cannot control his or her need or craving for a substance or a behavior, esp. when that craving results in adverse consequences or a decline in one's ability to function effectively."
Examples of Substances: Alcohol, Heroin, Nicotine (cigarettes), methamphetamine...
Examples of Behaviors: Gambling, Gaming, Sexual Activities, Shopping, Eating...
If you had not guessed it already, I'm an addict. It would be my great pleasure to say, "I used to be an addict," or rather that, "I was never one at all". But it is as it remains, and to deny the truth is just silliness. My addiction is not to a substance but to a behavior. I have, through a series of poor decisions, cultivated a bad habit that has been hell for me to get rid of.
The seed to this habit started 19 years ago when I engaged in activities with the neighborhood boys which no child should EVER experience. Some would call it abuse, but my memory might disagree. Even though I was only 4 years old at the time, I remember quite vividly what happened. And when my sister almost caught us, it was right then that I KNEW, this was WRONG, no one had to tell me what my broken soul already knew.
It would take me another 18 years to deal with the shame and emotional trauma that day brought. Unfortunately, it was only the beginning of what would later become a sinful addiction. I did not know what purity meant, that had been taken from me long ago. Thus when the drug entered my life it was not accompanied by conviction and repentance, but pleasure and curiosity. Within a year I was caught. May grace pour over my parents for their love towards me, but they simply knew not how to deal with this issue. The slap on the wrist did not teach me to stop my compulsive behavior, it taught me to hide it (note to parents, talk with you kids).
I started going back to church when I was around 14 years old. This lead to more shame and depression then I would like to recall. Not because of the pastor, or the congregation, but because I was a sinner and I knew it. I had been living a double life or secrecy for so long, hiding in the shadows of my own addiction that I did not want to bring it to the light for healing. As a result? Repentance on Friday, worship on Sunday, sin and depression the rest of the week. I was a hypocrite, I knew it, they did not know it, but I knew it, my soul testified to it. But I did not deal with it, partly I did not know how, partly because of how people advised me to stop did not work.
Life, or the lack there of, continued this way for years. Eventually this addiction lead me into a relationship, this relationship lead be further from the Lord, I left the church, I stopped praying, I stopped reading the Bible, God was out of my life. My life centered around myself and my medication. When the relationship ending I wanted my life to end as well. I lied in my bed and cried for 6 hours, I did not sleep that night, around 500am I got out of bed, grabbed a kitchen knife and proceeded to lie down in the bathtub ready to stop the pain. I know why I did not kill my self, but His gentle hand on my life was invisible to me at that time.
But this was not the end of my sorrow, or my sin. One more heart would be crushed before I would seek help. I will spare you the detail, but needless to say, that relationship ended and I receive the blame and responsibility alone. As a result of life, once again hitting rock bottom, I signed myself into group therapy.
I've damaged many relationships along the way, some unrepairable so, ruining them even as I was ruining my own soul. The corruption that had been born pulsated in my veins like a virus and the virus spread to whoever I had contact with. It is immeasurable as to the number of people I have hurt because of this. The lies that have been told, the secrets that have been kept, the reputations that have been destroyed, the dreams that have been crushed, the hearts that have been broken. Knowing that I have lead people on, please know that my secrets were not kept to intentionally harm you or lie to you, but if I have, then please forgive me.
Dealing with the secrets I've kept, the lies I've told, the hypocrite I've been, the deception I've believed, the darkness I've embraced, the pain I've medicated, the bitterness I've dwelt on, the depression I've known, the sin I've loved, the shame I've understood, the hearts I've broken... it's not why I joined therapy, but it's what keeps me going...
To Be Continued...
Taber's Medical Dictionary (21st Edition) defines an addict as such,
"One who cannot control his or her need or craving for a substance or a behavior, esp. when that craving results in adverse consequences or a decline in one's ability to function effectively."
Examples of Substances: Alcohol, Heroin, Nicotine (cigarettes), methamphetamine...
Examples of Behaviors: Gambling, Gaming, Sexual Activities, Shopping, Eating...
If you had not guessed it already, I'm an addict. It would be my great pleasure to say, "I used to be an addict," or rather that, "I was never one at all". But it is as it remains, and to deny the truth is just silliness. My addiction is not to a substance but to a behavior. I have, through a series of poor decisions, cultivated a bad habit that has been hell for me to get rid of.
The seed to this habit started 19 years ago when I engaged in activities with the neighborhood boys which no child should EVER experience. Some would call it abuse, but my memory might disagree. Even though I was only 4 years old at the time, I remember quite vividly what happened. And when my sister almost caught us, it was right then that I KNEW, this was WRONG, no one had to tell me what my broken soul already knew.
It would take me another 18 years to deal with the shame and emotional trauma that day brought. Unfortunately, it was only the beginning of what would later become a sinful addiction. I did not know what purity meant, that had been taken from me long ago. Thus when the drug entered my life it was not accompanied by conviction and repentance, but pleasure and curiosity. Within a year I was caught. May grace pour over my parents for their love towards me, but they simply knew not how to deal with this issue. The slap on the wrist did not teach me to stop my compulsive behavior, it taught me to hide it (note to parents, talk with you kids).
I started going back to church when I was around 14 years old. This lead to more shame and depression then I would like to recall. Not because of the pastor, or the congregation, but because I was a sinner and I knew it. I had been living a double life or secrecy for so long, hiding in the shadows of my own addiction that I did not want to bring it to the light for healing. As a result? Repentance on Friday, worship on Sunday, sin and depression the rest of the week. I was a hypocrite, I knew it, they did not know it, but I knew it, my soul testified to it. But I did not deal with it, partly I did not know how, partly because of how people advised me to stop did not work.
Life, or the lack there of, continued this way for years. Eventually this addiction lead me into a relationship, this relationship lead be further from the Lord, I left the church, I stopped praying, I stopped reading the Bible, God was out of my life. My life centered around myself and my medication. When the relationship ending I wanted my life to end as well. I lied in my bed and cried for 6 hours, I did not sleep that night, around 500am I got out of bed, grabbed a kitchen knife and proceeded to lie down in the bathtub ready to stop the pain. I know why I did not kill my self, but His gentle hand on my life was invisible to me at that time.
But this was not the end of my sorrow, or my sin. One more heart would be crushed before I would seek help. I will spare you the detail, but needless to say, that relationship ended and I receive the blame and responsibility alone. As a result of life, once again hitting rock bottom, I signed myself into group therapy.
I've damaged many relationships along the way, some unrepairable so, ruining them even as I was ruining my own soul. The corruption that had been born pulsated in my veins like a virus and the virus spread to whoever I had contact with. It is immeasurable as to the number of people I have hurt because of this. The lies that have been told, the secrets that have been kept, the reputations that have been destroyed, the dreams that have been crushed, the hearts that have been broken. Knowing that I have lead people on, please know that my secrets were not kept to intentionally harm you or lie to you, but if I have, then please forgive me.
Dealing with the secrets I've kept, the lies I've told, the hypocrite I've been, the deception I've believed, the darkness I've embraced, the pain I've medicated, the bitterness I've dwelt on, the depression I've known, the sin I've loved, the shame I've understood, the hearts I've broken... it's not why I joined therapy, but it's what keeps me going...
To Be Continued...
Thursday, December 23, 2010
New Beginning
For a while now i have been walking through the life of Jesus, and some of you have been walking with me. But its time i take this blog back to it'g begining. I once wrote about the name this blog holds, the convictions of my heart, and i feel, in light of what is happening in my life that it is time to return to upholding that name.
I have been in a group now for over a year that deals with my addictive personality (yes, im a addict, but more on that later.) About 3 months ago we, the men and I, finished a book we had been working through for about a year. At the end of this book a question is proposed to us, "what legacy will you leave behind?"
What kind of christian, man, father, husband, leader, brother, son, uncle, nephew, co-worker, manager, employee, servent (etc.) will I be? What impact am i making in peoples lives, or am I making a difference at all? I wonder what people will think of me or say about me when I die and am long gone. It's is not that I live for the praises of men, that is not what i'm getting at. What I am asking is that, what impact am I having on the men (women, children) in my life? This is a question we should all ask of ourselves.
The Lord Jesus prays to His Father asking, "My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one." John 17:15
We as Christians are to be in this world but not of this world. It does not matter where you live (subburbs, city or country), or if you homeschool your children or not, what matters is that you are making time to live like Jesus every day in the world around you. Rightly said, "There are 5 gosples, Matthew, Mark, Luke, John and Jason (you). And most the world won't read the first 4."
Lord Jesus, i dont want to be anything less then all You want me to be, and i know that means to be like You. While reading Your word and studying Your truths found therein, teach me and convict me of my sin, transforming me daily more and more into Your Holy image. I don't want to waste this life living for myself, i don't want to live if that is the meaning to life. I do pray that Your light will shine in and through me in everything i do. Amen
I have been in a group now for over a year that deals with my addictive personality (yes, im a addict, but more on that later.) About 3 months ago we, the men and I, finished a book we had been working through for about a year. At the end of this book a question is proposed to us, "what legacy will you leave behind?"
What kind of christian, man, father, husband, leader, brother, son, uncle, nephew, co-worker, manager, employee, servent (etc.) will I be? What impact am i making in peoples lives, or am I making a difference at all? I wonder what people will think of me or say about me when I die and am long gone. It's is not that I live for the praises of men, that is not what i'm getting at. What I am asking is that, what impact am I having on the men (women, children) in my life? This is a question we should all ask of ourselves.
The Lord Jesus prays to His Father asking, "My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one." John 17:15
We as Christians are to be in this world but not of this world. It does not matter where you live (subburbs, city or country), or if you homeschool your children or not, what matters is that you are making time to live like Jesus every day in the world around you. Rightly said, "There are 5 gosples, Matthew, Mark, Luke, John and Jason (you). And most the world won't read the first 4."
Lord Jesus, i dont want to be anything less then all You want me to be, and i know that means to be like You. While reading Your word and studying Your truths found therein, teach me and convict me of my sin, transforming me daily more and more into Your Holy image. I don't want to waste this life living for myself, i don't want to live if that is the meaning to life. I do pray that Your light will shine in and through me in everything i do. Amen
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