DISCLAIMER: The following information is unsuitable for children. If you are under the age of 18 then please resist the temptation to be disobedient by reading any further and ask your parent if it's okay first. But knowing that you will likely ignore this statement I will be careful when choosing my words.
Taber's Medical Dictionary (21st Edition) defines an addict as such,
"One who cannot control his or her need or craving for a substance or a behavior, esp. when that craving results in adverse consequences or a decline in one's ability to function effectively."
Examples of Substances: Alcohol, Heroin, Nicotine (cigarettes), methamphetamine...
Examples of Behaviors: Gambling, Gaming, Sexual Activities, Shopping, Eating...
If you had not guessed it already, I'm an addict. It would be my great pleasure to say, "I used to be an addict," or rather that, "I was never one at all". But it is as it remains, and to deny the truth is just silliness. My addiction is not to a substance but to a behavior. I have, through a series of poor decisions, cultivated a bad habit that has been hell for me to get rid of.
The seed to this habit started 19 years ago when I engaged in activities with the neighborhood boys which no child should EVER experience. Some would call it abuse, but my memory might disagree. Even though I was only 4 years old at the time, I remember quite vividly what happened. And when my sister almost caught us, it was right then that I KNEW, this was WRONG, no one had to tell me what my broken soul already knew.
It would take me another 18 years to deal with the shame and emotional trauma that day brought. Unfortunately, it was only the beginning of what would later become a sinful addiction. I did not know what purity meant, that had been taken from me long ago. Thus when the drug entered my life it was not accompanied by conviction and repentance, but pleasure and curiosity. Within a year I was caught. May grace pour over my parents for their love towards me, but they simply knew not how to deal with this issue. The slap on the wrist did not teach me to stop my compulsive behavior, it taught me to hide it (note to parents, talk with you kids).
I started going back to church when I was around 14 years old. This lead to more shame and depression then I would like to recall. Not because of the pastor, or the congregation, but because I was a sinner and I knew it. I had been living a double life or secrecy for so long, hiding in the shadows of my own addiction that I did not want to bring it to the light for healing. As a result? Repentance on Friday, worship on Sunday, sin and depression the rest of the week. I was a hypocrite, I knew it, they did not know it, but I knew it, my soul testified to it. But I did not deal with it, partly I did not know how, partly because of how people advised me to stop did not work.
Life, or the lack there of, continued this way for years. Eventually this addiction lead me into a relationship, this relationship lead be further from the Lord, I left the church, I stopped praying, I stopped reading the Bible, God was out of my life. My life centered around myself and my medication. When the relationship ending I wanted my life to end as well. I lied in my bed and cried for 6 hours, I did not sleep that night, around 500am I got out of bed, grabbed a kitchen knife and proceeded to lie down in the bathtub ready to stop the pain. I know why I did not kill my self, but His gentle hand on my life was invisible to me at that time.
But this was not the end of my sorrow, or my sin. One more heart would be crushed before I would seek help. I will spare you the detail, but needless to say, that relationship ended and I receive the blame and responsibility alone. As a result of life, once again hitting rock bottom, I signed myself into group therapy.
I've damaged many relationships along the way, some unrepairable so, ruining them even as I was ruining my own soul. The corruption that had been born pulsated in my veins like a virus and the virus spread to whoever I had contact with. It is immeasurable as to the number of people I have hurt because of this. The lies that have been told, the secrets that have been kept, the reputations that have been destroyed, the dreams that have been crushed, the hearts that have been broken. Knowing that I have lead people on, please know that my secrets were not kept to intentionally harm you or lie to you, but if I have, then please forgive me.
Dealing with the secrets I've kept, the lies I've told, the hypocrite I've been, the deception I've believed, the darkness I've embraced, the pain I've medicated, the bitterness I've dwelt on, the depression I've known, the sin I've loved, the shame I've understood, the hearts I've broken... it's not why I joined therapy, but it's what keeps me going...
To Be Continued...
No comments:
Post a Comment