What is Depression Like?

"I don't understand people with depression." Someone told me the other morning. I do. I tried to explain to them the best I could, it was a very short conversation. Have you ever had something that needed to be done (chores, homework, etc.) but had no motivation to do it. You could sit around for hours thinking about what needed to happen and never actually begin, the drive to accomplish anything has left you. Depression is like that... and more. More, because it involves the emotions. A state of heart that lacks motivation to laugh, to smile, to think good thoughts.

"Cheer up!" they say, "life's not that bad." And they're right. Life is so good right now. I live in a home with friends, I am employed and well paid, warm and fed well, I am without physical need. So why the depression? Good question. Depression is complicated. The Bible reads that anxiety leads to depression. So why, and where is the anxiety from? Right now I am in nursing school and that is very stressful. Because I am afraid of failing. Where does that come from?! Failing is a normal part of life, every one does it at some point. Am I so arrogant to think that I must always win, that I could never lose gracefully?... No... That's not the issue.

Why then the anxiety? I have never felt that my worth and significance was found in my existence. I mean by this that I never felt that I was good enough, or lovable simply because I am. I always felt the need to perform and behave to be loved and appreciated. It's true I read that Jesus loves me because He made me, and before creation was designed He decided to choose me and share His love with me through the forgiveness and mercy that comes through the thick blood spilled on the cross. I would like to decide in my heart that the voice of Truth will be louder than any other voice in my life. But when many other voices of a painful past have said verbally or by their actions contrary to His, then to believe that I am loved because I am... well, it's really stinken hard to do.

Why then the anxiety... again? Because I`m afraid that if I fail, then all the lies I believe about myself will not actually be lies at all...

Jesus, Lord of all truth, at a time when it's so difficult for me to believe the things you say about me... Speak loudly into my heart, and draw very near to me. Please, make yourself known to me. I want to know you.

Your servant,

Tough Questions...

I have been recently asked by my mentor to write about my wounds, the emotional kind. Like a bad back from an old injury I have been familiar with the pain it caused each day, but, I could not remember the source. Not knowing where to begin it was suggested that I ask God to show me my wounds. He answered. It was the next day, while driving down the freeway that I broke down into tears. I was angry, and very hurt. By whom? The thought ran through my mind that when I am depressed I involve myself in the lives of others (for me? nope) to encourage them. I say to them the things that deep down inside I really wish someone would say to me. "I'm proud of you." or "Do you know that I value you?" to name a few. And what I realized is that I have some serious father wounds. These have now turned into some serious Father wounds. I do not believe that my dad was ever interested in having a relationship with me. Because of that I have been secretly longing for a man to invest in my life and tell me that I'm imporatant, valued, and cared for. Some one who would be there for me, but also there with me. I have not been looking for someone to give me a set of rules or guidence, but a relationship.

And the tears flowed hardest when I began to realize that I believed those same things about God. I say 'believed' but it's a fine line between the past and the present tense of the word. I was most hurt, either through projection or realization, did God care enough about me individually to invest in me? To love me? And to value, affirm, and cherish me? Before you answer with bible verses may I remind you that I know that the word teaches that if God did not spare His own Son then how would He not also freely give us all things, and that while we were still sinners Christ died for us. And how I wish that were all sufficient, it is my hope that one day it will be more than enough to know and find my rest. But right now I either don't see its truth in my life, or I am just without the intimate knowledge of these truths that will get me through a night of sorrows.

I am beginning to see that knowing and believing are not the same thing. I know the Bible teaches that God is near and never leaves nor forsakes us, but to be most transparent, I don't often believe it. Why? Because I don't experience it. Am I so shallow to think that emotions have any weight on that which is the Truth? Hardly. But I am not without my emotions. And even though I would much prefer to be an Apostle John filled with love and faith, I most often associate my self with Thomas. Uncertain, full of speculation. Where is God in my depression? Where is God in my longing? And if He is indeed the very thing my soul thirsts for, where is He that I might find Him...

Jesus, I want to know you... Please reveal yourself to me, not once, but draw near and please stay.

Your servant,