What is Depression Like?

"I don't understand people with depression." Someone told me the other morning. I do. I tried to explain to them the best I could, it was a very short conversation. Have you ever had something that needed to be done (chores, homework, etc.) but had no motivation to do it. You could sit around for hours thinking about what needed to happen and never actually begin, the drive to accomplish anything has left you. Depression is like that... and more. More, because it involves the emotions. A state of heart that lacks motivation to laugh, to smile, to think good thoughts.

"Cheer up!" they say, "life's not that bad." And they're right. Life is so good right now. I live in a home with friends, I am employed and well paid, warm and fed well, I am without physical need. So why the depression? Good question. Depression is complicated. The Bible reads that anxiety leads to depression. So why, and where is the anxiety from? Right now I am in nursing school and that is very stressful. Because I am afraid of failing. Where does that come from?! Failing is a normal part of life, every one does it at some point. Am I so arrogant to think that I must always win, that I could never lose gracefully?... No... That's not the issue.

Why then the anxiety? I have never felt that my worth and significance was found in my existence. I mean by this that I never felt that I was good enough, or lovable simply because I am. I always felt the need to perform and behave to be loved and appreciated. It's true I read that Jesus loves me because He made me, and before creation was designed He decided to choose me and share His love with me through the forgiveness and mercy that comes through the thick blood spilled on the cross. I would like to decide in my heart that the voice of Truth will be louder than any other voice in my life. But when many other voices of a painful past have said verbally or by their actions contrary to His, then to believe that I am loved because I am... well, it's really stinken hard to do.

Why then the anxiety... again? Because I`m afraid that if I fail, then all the lies I believe about myself will not actually be lies at all...

Jesus, Lord of all truth, at a time when it's so difficult for me to believe the things you say about me... Speak loudly into my heart, and draw very near to me. Please, make yourself known to me. I want to know you.

Your servant,