I have been recently asked by my mentor to write about my wounds, the emotional kind. Like a bad back from an old injury I have been familiar with the pain it caused each day, but, I could not remember the source. Not knowing where to begin it was suggested that I ask God to show me my wounds. He answered. It was the next day, while driving down the freeway that I broke down into tears. I was angry, and very hurt. By whom? The thought ran through my mind that when I am depressed I involve myself in the lives of others (for me? nope) to encourage them. I say to them the things that deep down inside I really wish someone would say to me. "I'm proud of you." or "Do you know that I value you?" to name a few. And what I realized is that I have some serious father wounds. These have now turned into some serious Father wounds. I do not believe that my dad was ever interested in having a relationship with me. Because of that I have been secretly longing for a man to invest in my life and tell me that I'm imporatant, valued, and cared for. Some one who would be there for me, but also there with me. I have not been looking for someone to give me a set of rules or guidence, but a relationship.
And the tears flowed hardest when I began to realize that I believed those same things about God. I say 'believed' but it's a fine line between the past and the present tense of the word. I was most hurt, either through projection or realization, did God care enough about me individually to invest in me? To love me? And to value, affirm, and cherish me? Before you answer with bible verses may I remind you that I know that the word teaches that if God did not spare His own Son then how would He not also freely give us all things, and that while we were still sinners Christ died for us. And how I wish that were all sufficient, it is my hope that one day it will be more than enough to know and find my rest. But right now I either don't see its truth in my life, or I am just without the intimate knowledge of these truths that will get me through a night of sorrows.
I am beginning to see that knowing and believing are not the same thing. I know the Bible teaches that God is near and never leaves nor forsakes us, but to be most transparent, I don't often believe it. Why? Because I don't experience it. Am I so shallow to think that emotions have any weight on that which is the Truth? Hardly. But I am not without my emotions. And even though I would much prefer to be an Apostle John filled with love and faith, I most often associate my self with Thomas. Uncertain, full of speculation. Where is God in my depression? Where is God in my longing? And if He is indeed the very thing my soul thirsts for, where is He that I might find Him...
Jesus, I want to know you... Please reveal yourself to me, not once, but draw near and please stay.
Your servant,
This is pretty heavy stuff, my friend. I've been a similar space. Instead of transferring my relationship with my father onto my relationship with God, I tend to transfer my relationship with my ecclesiastical leaders onto my relationship with God. I tend to think of God as a Great CEO. I think this is very unhealthy, but I haven't been able to shake it as yet. I think you will have better luck shaking your projection when you become a father and create the kind of relationship with your children that you wish you had with your own father. From what I know of you, I believe the chances of your success in this endeavor to be very high. :-)
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