72. Not Doctrine But Christ

And of this gospel I was appointed a herald and an apostle and a teacher. That is why I am suffering as I am. Yet I am not ashamed, because I know whom I have believed... 2 Timothy 1:11-12

Jesus, i am silent, and not silent standing before your glory, neither am i silent knowing you are the God in heaven letting my words be few in reverence and adoration for your Kingship. No, for then had those been my reasons i would be happy to keep my mouth shut, to remain as i am. Rather the gates of my mouth have been closed and i know not how to open them. I talk all day, i think without end, but when i try to close my mind to the distractions around me i am unable to express a single word of my necessity for You. Jesus, what will i do? How do i commune so closely with the God who saved me if i am unable to speak. What has caused such a thing, is pride in my life keeping me from dependence on You? do i not spend enough time reflecting on You and Your mercy? surely had i spent more time i would not remain silent. Can word express, or any language contain the mysteries of Your love or the vastness of Your mercy towards us? But still... What is my focus Lord? To where do i plead, to what do i cling to... and there my problem arises, in so simple a word as 'what'. Do i believe You to be a set of doctrines and rules like some cosmic mathematical equation, or the benevolent God those letters describe, in other words, i ask my soul, are you personal? I do believe You are, but at times i question if i am really even that close to You; I want to be. I know i need to be. Yet there is a difference in knowing i need breath and breathing, for by which one leads to death and only the other brings life. Surely it could be said the same of my walk with You. Knowing i need You and living like i need You; these two are not the same. I am dry and spiritually i am empty, won't you fill me up? if you do not than my situation remains hopeless and silence will not be overcome. Restore to me the joy of my salvation, so sweet as when we first met. Remind me of the reality of Your divinity, You are not just pages in a book, You are not the creative figure of middle eastern philosophy, You are Jesus the Christ and You live, So please God, my God, restore life to my bones.