81. What Am I Doing?!

"I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing."
Romans 7:18-19

Jesus, I make such a fool of myself when I give into my desires and sin against Your righteous name. Could one moment of pleasure ever bear the expense of a life of honesty? Could there ever be such a thing worth ruining a good name for? Jesus, I did not count the cost, in my folly I did not consider the damage I would cause. I find in my soul a perfect sense of inadequacy and guilt, a downright inability to be the man i want to be. I only find myself doing the very things I hate - the things that have demolished parts of my life.

"Sin will always take you farther than you wanted to go; keep you longer than you wanted to stay; and cost you more than you were willing to give." ~Unknown

I must recognize something inside me that I have no desire to behold; that of pride. The sin that cursed man forever more; the sin that caused You to pay so costly a price on my behalf. It dwells within me. It tells me I will be okay when I won't; that I am fine when I'm not; that I can stop if ever I want when I can't; it tells me that I can do it without You when that is very much impossible. I cannot please You in my flesh, I am utterly incapable of doing the impossible. For I try to do the good which my heart so desperately yearns for, but I end up sinning against You still... This is my confession, against You alone have I sinned.

Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace; the sinful mind is hostile to God. It does not submit to God's law, nor can it do so. Those controlled by the sinful nature cannot please God.(a)

This is the truth I see played out in my life, when doing things my way I come up brokenly short before your righteous requirements, and I am left more empty than before...

Therefore, brothers, we have an obligation—but it is not to the sinful nature, to live according to it. For if you live according to the sinful nature, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live(b).

"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.(c)" ~ Jesus

Here I sit, now desperate and in need of You Jesus. You alone died for me, You alone can save me from the man I am. I tried it on my own for one day, I exchanged the Truth for a lie and came up broke. Eradicate my pride, remove my heart of stone and give me one of flesh that I may be humbly dependant on You. For without You my God I am only able to do one thing; the very thing I hate -- to sin against You my Lord. Have mercy on me my Lord, and may tomorrow be a day led by Your Spirit in me.


(a)Romans 8:5-8
(b)Romans 8:12-13
(c)John 15:5